Monday Morning Grievance: Pluto v Planet 9

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

Continue reading “Monday Morning Grievance: Pluto v Planet 9”

Monday Morning Grievance: Dangerous Drivers

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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“Wait!” I hear you cry, “Didn’t you write about  idiotic drivers a few weeks ago? Are you too lazy to come up with new material? Have you run dry so soon?”

Fair questions, Dear Reader, but I see a distinction between an idiot driver and a dangerous driver.

The idiotic driver has the ability to change, given proper instruction and negative reinforcement motivation.

A dangerous driver, on the other hand, should quite literally not be allowed to possess a license.

Consider this experience:

I was driving to the store the other day to pick up lunch and some medication for a splitting headache most likely brought on by a sugar high and the subsequent crash (I regret nothing) when I noticed a car driving erratically.

By erratically, I mean the car was driving such that the white line dividing two lanes of traffic flowing in the same direction perfectly bisected the vehicle.

OK, that may have been a bit technical, but I couldn’t think of a way to describe it that wouldn’t result in confusion and/or the wrong image in one’s mind.

Is everyone clear? Any questions to this point?

All right then, moving on.

Not only was this car blocking two lanes of traffic, it was also traveling approximately thirty miles per hour under the speed limit; remember: this is on a busy thoroughfare.

Fun fact: as of 1 January, it is illegal in our state to impede the flow of traffic, even if one is impeding traffic by going the actual, posted speed limit.

Yes, one can be fined for obeying the law if everyone around you is breaking it. I can only imagine what this driver would face.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, the car.

The driver finally turned off the road; unfortunately, he appeared headed toward the same restaurant I wished to patronize.

He entered the nearest entrance, once again taking up both lanes – in this case the enter lane and the exit/turn lane, nearly hitting another patron’s car head-on.

Since he was going even slower than before, I went to the second entrance and approached the order kiosk thingy. As I placed my order, said driver pulled around me and nearly took off my front fender as he merged into the drive-through lane and stopped at the window.

I heard this over the intercom:

This car just pulled up.

[indistinct chatter]

I don’t know they just pulled up to my window. What should I do? What do I tell them? I haven’t been trained for this!

As I pulled forward – making sure to keep a safe distance between myself and the other driver – the car moved away from the pick-up window and into one of those spaces usually reserved for customers whose orders take a bit longer to prepare.

You know, you’re at the window and they’ve got to wait for fresh fries or chicken or something so they ask you to pull forward and someone will bring your order out momentarily.

Anyway, the driver parked in one of those spots with the same dexterity he showed on the open road, managing to get both drivers’-side tires up on a curb approximately six inches high and slamming his fender into the front curbing.

If this is how he always drives, the suspension on that vehicle is probably ruined. Either that, or he keeps a mechanic on retainer.

A woman of an age somewhere between thirty and one hundred emerged from the car and s l o w l y made her way across the parking lot, making sure to stop in front of those cars waiting to exit the lot and get on with their afternoons.

Having just picked up my order and glad the car was no longer a menace to me, I pulled into a space away from the other driver to examine my order – this particular chain has a nasty habit of forgetting the sides of a meal; once, they even forgot half my order! Anyway, this time I was missing necessary condiments for my meal, so I was obliged to go in the store.

The woman had placed a take-out order and was departing as I picked up my missing items.

Now on the alert, I waited until they left. In my rear view mirror, I saw the car back up all the way to the building – narrowly missing two cars in the drive-thru lane – and exit the parking lot in the same manner in which he arrived: taking up both lanes.

He exited onto a side street; one of those with one lane in each direction and a turn lane. He took all three lanes to make a right-hand turn (the lane nearest him) and proceeded down the road exactly as before.

Half the car in the right-hand lane, half the car in the turn lane, and entirely a menace to those around him.

If I ever get this bad, please do the right thing and hide my keys from me. I mean, I have a hard enough time keeping track of them as it is right now; by that point in my life, it should be a simple task indeed.

What’s Annoying You Today?


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Monday Morning Grievance: Holiday [Oxy]Morons

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Christmas Day behind us, New Years’ before us, crazies in full force.

One should stockpile all necessities by Dec 15 and only venture out when needed.

Drivers ignore speed limits, traffic signals, and signage.

Pedestrians refuse to look any direction.

Malls and Grocers descend into chaos.

I want to go home as soon as I reach the main road.

Home has its own problems.

Turn on the radio or TV, and a song, show, or movie will be proclaimed

an instant classic

a new tradition

That’s not how this works, people.

That’s not how any of this works.

I’d get you a dictionary for Christmas, but

(a) they’re expensive and

(b) I doubt you’d read it anyway.

And then there’s the family photographer, stealing a slice of our souls with every synthesized click of the button and telling us

ACT NATURAL!

Being natural, I make no apologies for

not smiling

not sitting up

not looking at the camera

not looking pleasant

not not blinking

If you wanted something else, you’re looking at the wrong person. But for you, I’ll do those things, knowing that the person in the photos is a pseudo-me, an impostor no better than Shopping Mall Santa.

Now I have a machine gun

ho ho ho

What’s Annoying You Today?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

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Monday Morning Grievance: Christmas Songs

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Well – truth be told – I’m drinking my coffee right now while enjoying a blueberry Pop-Tart, grading projects, and listening to Christmas songs.

I don’t know about you, but I actively avoid Christmas songs until after the family’s Thanksgiving Dinner. After that, it’s all Christmas all the time – at least on the radio. However, there are certain songs that make me want to give it a thumbs down on Pandora, throw the radio out the window,  or at the very least start a heated discussion with anyone who will listen as to why the song annoys me. Changing the channel might be rational, but it gives no satisfaction.

Top Ten Annoying Christmas Songs:

10. Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas) is one of those songs that just rubs me the wrong way. There’s nothing actaully wrong with the song – some current college students would probably protest it for “cultural appropriation” – but I’ve got no reason for disliking it other than it’s simply a bad song with a grating tune and even worse lyrics.


9. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear might seem like an innocent Christian hymn concerning the birth of Jesus Christ, but take a look at the last verse:

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophet bards foretold,
When, with the ever-circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;
When peace shall over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling,
And all the world give back the song
Which now the angels sing.

 When, with the ever circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;

Last time I checked we no longer subscribed to the ancient Greek view of cyclical history, yet here Christians are literally singing its praises. Come on, now; get with the current millennium.


8. Bad Little Boy is a tale of manipulation. Lets take a look at what this kid has done, shall we?

He put a gerbil in his sisters basinette, the same baby sister he’s physically assaulted looking for the soft spot in her head.

He went for a joy ride on the lawn mower down to the candy store.

He told his mom about his brother’s dirty magazines.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, but he certainly won’t get anything from his brother for that act of snitchery.

He also used said brother’s model rocket in an attempt to make an astronaut of the neighbor’s cat, so we can add thievery and animal cruelty to the list.

He put his Grandma in the hospital after demonstrating his Power Ranger kick.

Yet, he still expects his Grandpa to spoil him rotten – assuming he doesn’t find out about using his Big Bertha driver to hit rocks.

So, I guess the lesson we’ve learned is one can do all manner of unspeakable things and it’s all OK so long as no one finds out. Sounds right.


7. Christmas Don’t Be Late might be a fine kid’s song, even if it is a little greedy. It’s the Chipmunks I cannot stand. Those voices just need to end. Now.


6. Santa Baby is unforgivable. We can excuse the wants of the Chipmunks; Christmas is for kids, after all. But a grown woman with the wants of the nouveau riche? Using this list and the inflation calculator, the total cost of those goodies runs to a whopping

$1 186 540 516.22

We can round it to a nice 1.2 billion dollars just to be safe. Chump change, am I right? I mean, we can probably find that in the couch cushions.

I’m getting her coal, and by golly she’ll be happy with it.


5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus put parents in a tight spot: to either let their kid believe that mommies routinely engage in extramarital affairs with a holiday spirit or to let them in on the secret that there’s no such thing as Santa.

Personally, I’ve proven a bit unreliable on that front. I almost ruined Christmas for Krystal’s young cousin when I told him I’d shot Santa. I assumed  Kindergarteners either knew the truth already or were smart enough to figure it out on their own.

Historical lessons on the real St. Nicholas don’t generally go over very well at that age, either; although my high school students get a chuckle out of my poem.

Every year Krystal and I get into some discussion on what we’d teach our own kids if we ever had any. She wants them to believe in Santa, which I’m personally fine with as long as I can convince them Krampus and/or Belsnickel is real, too. I’ll just leave that there.

Anyway, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just a bad song and it needs to be pulled from the air.


 

4. Last Christmas contains these wonderful lyrics:

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

 Because what’s Christmas for if not a rebound relationship with the possibility of inciting jealousy and fulfilling a revenge fantasy?


 

3. Straight No Chaser 12 Days of Christmas simply makes no sense. It’s not the twelve days of Christmas and incorporates lyrics that make absolutely no sense.

Twelve drummers drumming like Olympus above the Serengeti

What does this even mean? Olympus is in Greece, the Serengeti in Africa. So confusing, and definitely not Christmas.


2. Baby It’s Cold Outside is simply wrong. Hey, kids – if you want that special someone to spend the night and then some (and they just won’t listen to your totally reasonable aruments) it’s perfectly fine to get them drunk first. Still no success? Try spiking their drink! Roofies: the gift that keeps on giving.


1. Christmas Shoes

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please.
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, 
      daddy says there's not much time;
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile,
And I want her to look beautiful, 
      if mama meets Jesus tonight.

Who decided this was a Christmas song?

It’s like someone said “Hey everyone – Christmas is a time for family, friends, and loved ones; nothing says that better than a tragic death in the life of a young child.”

And the deluded ones said “We have a hit! Let’s play it at least twice an hour for thirty days.”

You sadists.

 

What Christmas Songs Annoy You?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

Don’t forget to follow me on:

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Monday Morning Grievance: Time Change

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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I’ve said it before: I dislike time changes.

Now I get to drive to work in the dark . . . and drive back in the dark, too.

Hello, Seasonal Affective Disorder! I missed you . . . not.

I wish I could write more [and I could] but NaNoWriMo beckons and I must obey.

What annoys you?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

Monday Morning Grievance: Unexpected Library Fines

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Last Tuesday I went to the Library; Tuesday is my normal Library day. I returned my books and browsed the New Nonfiction shelf, where I found not one, not two, but three books on my TBR – needless to say, I added them to my stack. As it turned out, these were the only three books I desired to check out. Then, I went to the counter, handed the Librarian my card, and heard:

I’m sorry – you have an 80¢ fine on your card.

What? What book was over a week late? It’s impossible for several reasons:

I checked out all my books on the same day

I returned three books, and

the late fee is 10¢ per day, so

either one book was eight days late or

two books were four days late, but . . .

I checked the library cards that morning and they were stamped “Oct. 20”

So I asked the Librarian which book was late; she could not tell me. When I began to plead my case, she said

Sir, I don’t have the authority to clear your fine, but I can let you check out these books and you can pay your fine next time you come in.

I suppose at some point one has to take what one gets, but I’m still miffed about that 80¢.

I know I wasn’t late.

 

 

What annoys you?

 


 

Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

 

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

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