Come, Sad Puppies, and sit around the fire.

Perhaps this is the very fire by which Mary Shelley created Frankenstein. Or not. It’s just a fire, and I don’t write Science Fiction/Fantasy. Deal with it.

Nevertheless, there is a tale you should hear:

The Tale of Joey Zasa

It’s New York City in the 1970s, and Joey Zasa has taken control of the Corleone crime syndicate. In another age, Zasa may have been the most powerful crime boss to ever rule a family; however, he comes to power at a time when crime families desire more legitimacy and overall public opinion is turning against the gangster lifestyle.

A smart businessman, Zasa nonetheless earns Michael Corleone’s displeasure by dealing narcotics and living a flamboyant, high-profile lifestyle – both of which draw unwanted attention to the family’s criminal activities. Furthermore, Michael forces Joey to make peace with Vincent Mancini (Michael’s nephew), who claims Zasa has been publicly insulting Michael and views Zasa as a legitimate threat to Michael. These perceived slights gnaw at Joey Zasa, and – after an unsuccessful attempt to eliminate Vincent – he plots Michael’s downfall.

Aligning himself with Michael’s enemies, Zasa engineers an admittedly brilliant mass murder of various Dons of the Commission in Atlantic City, New Jersey; unfortunately for Zasa, Michael Corleone – his chief target – escapes.

Fast forward in time: New York’s Little Italy is celebrating a religious festival dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and Zasa has put up a Cadillac as a raffle prize. A Corleone accomplice scratches the Cadillac, infuriating Zasa. His henchmen go after the vandal, only to be gunned down by disguised hitmen. Zasa himself flees on foot, but his escape is hindered by a locked door. He is shot three times in the back by Vincent Mancini, who had disguised himself as a mounted police officer.

Now, Sad Puppies, do you see? Do you see the lesson you should learn?

You are Joey Zasa. Considering yourselves slighted, you engineered the downfall of those who opposed you. It remains to be seen what – if any – ultimate victories you may secure. What is certain is the stunt is unlikely to be repeated. I’m not saying someone is going to gun you down; in fact, they shouldn’t. That would be murder most foul and an atrocity beyond the pale. What I am saying is that you won’t get away with it again. Enjoy your brief time in the sun, Sad Puppies; enjoy it while it lasts . . .

. . . and remember Joey Zasa.

Full Disclaimer

I have no dog in the Hugos fight.

Until a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know what the Hugos were; I would have asked if they were something akin to these two:

Hugo Weaving

The Invention of Hugo Cabret

I’m not even sure I like that many SF/F authors. I can probably count them on one hand:

Jules Verne
Ray Bradbury
Michael Crichton
Terry Pratchett
Neil Gaiman

I also like Doctor Who, and I follow John Scalzi’s blog – for whom the Sad Puppies harbor a special venomous hatred – but I’ve never read any of his books and don’t rightly recall why I started following him. I like his blog, though; I’ll have to check out his books someday.

Why do you hate him so, Sad Puppies? Why?

I owe credit to one Scott Richardson, whose reply on Karey English’s post inspired me.

I feel like Michael Corleone at this point (“Each time I get out, they pull me back in again!”). I ducked out of fandom a long time ago because of this kind of thing. I got pulled back because there were anomalies in the Hugo ballot and my brain gets attracted to those like a pig to truffles.

A special thanks is due the Godfather wiki, whose biography of Joey Zasa was quite useful in my summation.

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I was going to write about my thoughts on Global Warming and environmentalists; however, I discovered the work has already been done for me.

First, let me state I believe in climate change.

However

I also believe that change could be part of Earth’s natural process and, therefore, that it is impossible to quantify man’s specific impact on any perceived climate change.

This article explains my position in much better – and much more scientific – terms than I could.

As for environmentalists, while many of them are most likely wonderful people with the best of intentions, the majority of them come across in a manner similar to this:

I recently received some questions in my inbox; it’s high time I answer them.

Do you have a question you’d like me to answer? Let me know in the comments!

Inquiring minds want to know:

1. If you could invite one author and one their fictional characters to tea, who would you invite and what would you serve them?

Note: I started this post before said author’s death; I hope the following joke isn’t in bad taste. Personally, I think he’d find it amusing.

I would ask Sir Terry Pratchett to tea, although now I’d guess I’d need the Necrotelecomnicon to do so.

Now, you want me to pick just one of his fictional characters?

OK, then, I would invite the Librarian, because he understands both the value and true nature of the written word.

As for what I would serve, you said I was asking them to tea, so I’d serve tea and bread and cheese and some type of meat. And bananas, if the Librarian wanted them.

2. What book do you wish the author would write the prequel for?

I don’t know; I generally dislike sequels written after the fact.

If forced to choose right now, I would go back in time and convince F. Scott Fitzgerald to write a sequel to Gatsby.

3. Which two characters (not from the same book) do you think would make a good couple?

The Narrator from Elizabeth Kostova’s The Historian

&

V from V for Vendetta by Alan Moore

4. If you ran into your favourite author on the subway and could only say one sentence to them, who is it and what would it be?

Dante Alighieri, to whom I would say “You gave me hope when there was none.”

5. What book made you a reader and why?

I honestly do not know.

I’ve always enjoyed reading and cannot remember a time when I could not read.

6. Your bookshelf just caught fire! What is the one book you would save?

I would probably die trying to make up my mind.

7. Which dystopian world would you want to live in and why?

Who wants to live in a dystopia? Are they masochists?

Oh, you’re forcing me to choose, like we’re in Orwell’s 1984 or something.

In that case, The Community of Lois Lowry’s The Giver seems the most bearable.

8. What is your most epic read and why?

Dante’s Divine Comedy or Beowulf, because honestly, how much more epic can you get?!

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Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less.