Renovation: Grail Edition

11. The human body is a strange thing.

Just ask the American Supreme Court, which ruled that isolated strands of DNA cannot be patented. There are now immunizations for measles, yellow fever, and polio; however, the common cold outwits medicine every day of the week. Limbs can be severed with one blow, so be careful the next time you fist-bump a buddy. Also avoid witches who may (or may not) temporarily turn you into a newt. Speaking of witches, if any of you read this, watch yourselves around open flames: you happen to be made of wood. Biology is amazing, isn’t it?

10. People don’t always live up to their reputations.

Actors aren’t the characters they play; if they were, Nic Cage would have more respect. Authors don’t always appreciate their fans or communities (I’m looking at you, Nicholas Sparks!). Politicians that should know better still get caught. Just ask the NSA. Seriously, ask them. They probably know more about anything than anyone. The journey is more exciting than the destination. Have you ever been to Wisconsin Dells? Just because you’re called something doesn’t mean you are that something. Brave Sir Robin is a coward; Galahad the Chaste is Galahad the Chased; and Camelot – that wonderful kingdom of knights and honor and chivalry and spam – is really a rather silly place and a cardboard model. Enough bubble-bursting; who’s up for a trip to Disney World?

9. Eat healthy.

Thanks to the “Got Milk?” campaign, you know milk “does a body good.” You also know spinach should be relabeled “instant muscles;” Popeye wouldn’t lie to you, would he? I bet it won’t be too long before Disney Princesses start giving PSAs about eating your vegetables. As a guy, I don’t relate to princesses. As the token 99 lb. weakling, I don’t relate to Popeye. But when I was a boy I wanted to be a knight. Or an archaeologist. Or an archaeologist knight. Something realistic, like Indiana Jones. Therefore, I followed the Round Table Diet of ham, jam, and Spam. If it worked for them, it could work for me, too. Well, it should have.

8. Measure twice, cut once.

Even if you’re not a carpenter, double check everything: sign the check, pay the bill on time, bring the list with you, get a receipt for your Facebook phone, and hide inside your Trojan Rabbit before delivery.  It will save embarrassment (and a restocking fee) later on.

7. Assess every situation.

Not every situation calls for the same response. Sometimes retreat is the only option (especially when faced with a three-headed troll). There are other times when a frontal assault actually works. When facing your arch-nemesis, don’t pontificate; the police may arrive at any minute and put an end to your shenanigans.

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