Monday Morning Grievance: Christmas Songs

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

Well – truth be told – I’m drinking my coffee right now while enjoying a blueberry Pop-Tart, grading projects, and listening to Christmas songs.

I don’t know about you, but I actively avoid Christmas songs until after the family’s Thanksgiving Dinner. After that, it’s all Christmas all the time – at least on the radio. However, there are certain songs that make me want to give it a thumbs down on Pandora, throw the radio out the window,  or at the very least start a heated discussion with anyone who will listen as to why the song annoys me. Changing the channel might be rational, but it gives no satisfaction.

Top Ten Annoying Christmas Songs:

10. Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas) is one of those songs that just rubs me the wrong way. There’s nothing actaully wrong with the song – some current college students would probably protest it for “cultural appropriation” – but I’ve got no reason for disliking it other than it’s simply a bad song with a grating tune and even worse lyrics.

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9. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear might seem like an innocent Christian hymn concerning the birth of Jesus Christ, but take a look at the last verse:

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophet bards foretold,
When, with the ever-circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;
When peace shall over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling,
And all the world give back the song
Which now the angels sing.

 When, with the ever circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;

Last time I checked we no longer subscribed to the ancient Greek view of cyclical history, yet here Christians are literally singing its praises. Come on, now; get with the current millennium.

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8. Bad Little Boy is a tale of manipulation. Lets take a look at what this kid has done, shall we?

He put a gerbil in his sisters basinette, the same baby sister he’s physically assaulted looking for the soft spot in her head.

He went for a joy ride on the lawn mower down to the candy store.

He told his mom about his brother’s dirty magazines.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, but he certainly won’t get anything from his brother for that act of snitchery.

He also used said brother’s model rocket in an attempt to make an astronaut of the neighbor’s cat, so we can add thievery and animal cruelty to the list.

He put his Grandma in the hospital after demonstrating his Power Ranger kick.

Yet, he still expects his Grandpa to spoil him rotten – assuming he doesn’t find out about using his Big Bertha driver to hit rocks.

So, I guess the lesson we’ve learned is one can do all manner of unspeakable things and it’s all OK so long as no one finds out. Sounds right.

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7. Christmas Don’t Be Late might be a fine kid’s song, even if it is a little greedy. It’s the Chipmunks I cannot stand. Those voices just need to end. Now.

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6. Santa Baby is unforgivable. We can excuse the wants of the Chipmunks; Christmas is for kids, after all. But a grown woman with the wants of the nouveau riche? Using this list and the inflation calculator, the total cost of those goodies runs to a whopping

$1 186 540 516.22

We can round it to a nice 1.2 billion dollars just to be safe. Chump change, am I right? I mean, we can probably find that in the couch cushions.

I’m getting her coal, and by golly she’ll be happy with it.

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5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus put parents in a tight spot: to either let their kid believe that mommies routinely engage in extramarital affairs with a holiday spirit or to let them in on the secret that there’s no such thing as Santa.

Personally, I’ve proven a bit unreliable on that front. I almost ruined Christmas for Krystal’s young cousin when I told him I’d shot Santa. I assumed  Kindergarteners either knew the truth already or were smart enough to figure it out on their own.

Historical lessons on the real St. Nicholas don’t generally go over very well at that age, either; although my high school students get a chuckle out of my poem.

Every year Krystal and I get into some discussion on what we’d teach our own kids if we ever had any. She wants them to believe in Santa, which I’m personally fine with as long as I can convince them Krampus and/or Belsnickel is real, too. I’ll just leave that there.

Anyway, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just a bad song and it needs to be pulled from the air.

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4. Last Christmas contains these wonderful lyrics:

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

 Because what’s Christmas for if not a rebound relationship with the possibility of inciting jealousy and fulfilling a revenge fantasy?

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3. Straight No Chaser 12 Days of Christmas simply makes no sense. It’s not the twelve days of Christmas and incorporates lyrics that make absolutely no sense.

Twelve drummers drumming like Olympus above the Serengeti

What does this even mean? Olympus is in Greece, the Serengeti in Africa. So confusing, and definitely not Christmas.

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2. Baby It’s Cold Outside is simply wrong. Hey, kids – if you want that special someone to spend the night and then some (and they just won’t listen to your totally reasonable aruments) it’s perfectly fine to get them drunk first. Still no success? Try spiking their drink! Roofies: the gift that keeps on giving.

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1. Christmas Shoes

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please.
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, 
      daddy says there's not much time;
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile,
And I want her to look beautiful, 
      if mama meets Jesus tonight.

Who decided this was a Christmas song?

It’s like someone said “Hey everyone – Christmas is a time for family, friends, and loved ones; nothing says that better than a tragic death in the life of a young child.”

And the deluded ones said “We have a hit! Let’s play it at least twice an hour for thirty days.”

You sadists.

 

What Christmas Songs Annoy You?

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