Monday Morning Grievance: Christmas Songs

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Well – truth be told – I’m drinking my coffee right now while enjoying a blueberry Pop-Tart, grading projects, and listening to Christmas songs.

I don’t know about you, but I actively avoid Christmas songs until after the family’s Thanksgiving Dinner. After that, it’s all Christmas all the time – at least on the radio. However, there are certain songs that make me want to give it a thumbs down on Pandora, throw the radio out the window,  or at the very least start a heated discussion with anyone who will listen as to why the song annoys me. Changing the channel might be rational, but it gives no satisfaction.

Top Ten Annoying Christmas Songs:

10. Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas) is one of those songs that just rubs me the wrong way. There’s nothing actaully wrong with the song – some current college students would probably protest it for “cultural appropriation” – but I’ve got no reason for disliking it other than it’s simply a bad song with a grating tune and even worse lyrics.


9. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear might seem like an innocent Christian hymn concerning the birth of Jesus Christ, but take a look at the last verse:

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophet bards foretold,
When, with the ever-circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;
When peace shall over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling,
And all the world give back the song
Which now the angels sing.

 When, with the ever circling years,
Shall come the Age of Gold;

Last time I checked we no longer subscribed to the ancient Greek view of cyclical history, yet here Christians are literally singing its praises. Come on, now; get with the current millennium.


8. Bad Little Boy is a tale of manipulation. Lets take a look at what this kid has done, shall we?

He put a gerbil in his sisters basinette, the same baby sister he’s physically assaulted looking for the soft spot in her head.

He went for a joy ride on the lawn mower down to the candy store.

He told his mom about his brother’s dirty magazines.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, but he certainly won’t get anything from his brother for that act of snitchery.

He also used said brother’s model rocket in an attempt to make an astronaut of the neighbor’s cat, so we can add thievery and animal cruelty to the list.

He put his Grandma in the hospital after demonstrating his Power Ranger kick.

Yet, he still expects his Grandpa to spoil him rotten – assuming he doesn’t find out about using his Big Bertha driver to hit rocks.

So, I guess the lesson we’ve learned is one can do all manner of unspeakable things and it’s all OK so long as no one finds out. Sounds right.


7. Christmas Don’t Be Late might be a fine kid’s song, even if it is a little greedy. It’s the Chipmunks I cannot stand. Those voices just need to end. Now.


6. Santa Baby is unforgivable. We can excuse the wants of the Chipmunks; Christmas is for kids, after all. But a grown woman with the wants of the nouveau riche? Using this list and the inflation calculator, the total cost of those goodies runs to a whopping

$1 186 540 516.22

We can round it to a nice 1.2 billion dollars just to be safe. Chump change, am I right? I mean, we can probably find that in the couch cushions.

I’m getting her coal, and by golly she’ll be happy with it.


5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus put parents in a tight spot: to either let their kid believe that mommies routinely engage in extramarital affairs with a holiday spirit or to let them in on the secret that there’s no such thing as Santa.

Personally, I’ve proven a bit unreliable on that front. I almost ruined Christmas for Krystal’s young cousin when I told him I’d shot Santa. I assumed  Kindergarteners either knew the truth already or were smart enough to figure it out on their own.

Historical lessons on the real St. Nicholas don’t generally go over very well at that age, either; although my high school students get a chuckle out of my poem.

Every year Krystal and I get into some discussion on what we’d teach our own kids if we ever had any. She wants them to believe in Santa, which I’m personally fine with as long as I can convince them Krampus and/or Belsnickel is real, too. I’ll just leave that there.

Anyway, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just a bad song and it needs to be pulled from the air.


 

4. Last Christmas contains these wonderful lyrics:

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

 Because what’s Christmas for if not a rebound relationship with the possibility of inciting jealousy and fulfilling a revenge fantasy?


 

3. Straight No Chaser 12 Days of Christmas simply makes no sense. It’s not the twelve days of Christmas and incorporates lyrics that make absolutely no sense.

Twelve drummers drumming like Olympus above the Serengeti

What does this even mean? Olympus is in Greece, the Serengeti in Africa. So confusing, and definitely not Christmas.


2. Baby It’s Cold Outside is simply wrong. Hey, kids – if you want that special someone to spend the night and then some (and they just won’t listen to your totally reasonable aruments) it’s perfectly fine to get them drunk first. Still no success? Try spiking their drink! Roofies: the gift that keeps on giving.


1. Christmas Shoes

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please.
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, 
      daddy says there's not much time;
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile,
And I want her to look beautiful, 
      if mama meets Jesus tonight.

Who decided this was a Christmas song?

It’s like someone said “Hey everyone – Christmas is a time for family, friends, and loved ones; nothing says that better than a tragic death in the life of a young child.”

And the deluded ones said “We have a hit! Let’s play it at least twice an hour for thirty days.”

You sadists.

 

What Christmas Songs Annoy You?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

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Monday Morning Grievance: Time Change

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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I’ve said it before: I dislike time changes.

Now I get to drive to work in the dark . . . and drive back in the dark, too.

Hello, Seasonal Affective Disorder! I missed you . . . not.

I wish I could write more [and I could] but NaNoWriMo beckons and I must obey.

What annoys you?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

Monday Morning Grievance: Unexpected Library Fines

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Last Tuesday I went to the Library; Tuesday is my normal Library day. I returned my books and browsed the New Nonfiction shelf, where I found not one, not two, but three books on my TBR – needless to say, I added them to my stack. As it turned out, these were the only three books I desired to check out. Then, I went to the counter, handed the Librarian my card, and heard:

I’m sorry – you have an 80¢ fine on your card.

What? What book was over a week late? It’s impossible for several reasons:

I checked out all my books on the same day

I returned three books, and

the late fee is 10¢ per day, so

either one book was eight days late or

two books were four days late, but . . .

I checked the library cards that morning and they were stamped “Oct. 20”

So I asked the Librarian which book was late; she could not tell me. When I began to plead my case, she said

Sir, I don’t have the authority to clear your fine, but I can let you check out these books and you can pay your fine next time you come in.

I suppose at some point one has to take what one gets, but I’m still miffed about that 80¢.

I know I wasn’t late.

 

 

What annoys you?

 


 

Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

 

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

Monday Morning Grievance: Convention Edition

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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You might recall I spent a few days last week at a teacher’s convention. I kept a list of grievances:
 

  • I forgot my toiletries bag at home; luckily, the front desk provided me with toothbrush, toothpaste, and comb.
  •  

  • Water pressure from the shower head left so much to be desired.
  •  

  • Vendors: thank you for the free stuff, but I have absolutely zero influence over the school’s budget and even less of my own money to spend. So, just give me your freebies and your handouts and let’s not waste our mutual time.
  •  

  • Conference Center: no free wifi unless we’re registered guests of the attached hotel? Seriously, I checked your website out before leaving town and you claimed to provide a group access account for conventions/conferences. So, who’s lying – the organizers or you? My money is on you.
  •  

  • Clickbait Workshops. At least two workshops I attended were nothing like the course description. One ostensibly covering the administrative side of our new standardized testing company could be summed up in one sentence: “Check the website and experiment for yourself.” Another touting an overview of “modern views” used information over ten years old. Modern my foot.
  •  

  • Bad coffee. Seriously, you’re serving lukewarm brownish water at a teacher’s convention? You do realize we live on coffee, right? This is tantamount to depriving us of oxygen.

 
Given the list, you might think I had an awful time at the convention, but the opposite is true: I actually had quite an enjoyable time – in fact, taken as a whole, this may have been one of the most enjoyable conventions I’ve ever attended. However, it’s hard to overlook terrible coffee and abysmal wifi.

 

What annoys you?

 


 

Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

 

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

Monday Morning Grievance: Schedule, Interrupted

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Despite keeping up with the blog during hurricane-like weather, I didn’t post anything the last few days.

No Free Write Friday

No Uncensored Saturday

I was going to write about gun control again, but I found myself baited into an online argument against an individual who lacked the skill set necessary for debate. Specifically, the individual lacked basic literacy and reading comprehension skills; at least, that was my conclusion based on his so-called “evidence”. After that, I needed to clear my head so I went and bought a banana pudding milkshake and binge-watched some Netflix.

No Sunday Snapshots

To be fair, you’ve already seen my photographs if you read the blog last Monday.

No Wicked Word Wednesday winner

This will be remedied around noon(ish) today

So, I’m just generally annoyed at my own tendency toward laziness after a somewhat strenuous week and with the prospect of a long weekend ahead of me.

What annoys you?


Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

Monday Morning Grievance: Hair

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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I do not like my hair. Let me explain.

The hair on my head is currently long – and I know, it’s entirely my own fault for not going to the barber and having it cut. I’ve gone to the same barber for almost seven years; for 5 years before that, I cut my own hair (Krystal put an end to that once we were married); and I went to the same barber in Pennsylvania for the 18-odd years before that. My long hair itches, it gets in my eyes, and it doesn’t actually look long as it does matted (think ungroomed English sheepdog). It’s worse now, for as much as I love Autumn I detest the seasonal scalp itch it brings with it. Each year I vow not to scratch my head bloody; so far I’ve lost that bet. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe.

Beard Measuring T-ShirtAnd then there’s my facial hair. I love my facial hair and despise shaving, so it all works out. If I could have my way, I’d grow my hair to “Professor” level as seen in the handy guide on the left. However, I do not have my way. Krystal despises beards and – like the hair on my head – my Van Dyke refuses to grow long; instead, it insists on growing like a thick tangle of brambles into a matted, knotted mess. As mush as I love my facial hair, I really dislike eating it. Trichophagia isn’t my cup of  tea coffee.

Did I mention I despise shaving? I hate the feel of razor on skin, I hate the slick feel of the shaving cream, I always leave stubble behind – and not good “dashing” stubble, but oddly placed and spaced “idiot” stubble. Shaving is one of my least favorite personal hygiene activities. Only cuticle trimming is worse – weird, I know, but it’s my dislike so I’m allowed to have it.

 

What annoys you?

 


 

Have a suggestion for a poem, photograph, or future post?

Drop a note in the prompt box!

 

Don’t forget to follow me on:

Facebook – where I share news stories, articles from other blogs, and various and sundry miscellany that happens to catch my eye. It’s stuff you won’t see here! Well, mostly.

Instagram – where I show you my Life in Motion and share quotes and such. The widget only shows my last three photographs – don’t you want to see them all?

Twitter – where you can see my thoughts in 140 characters or less. Also, funny retweets.

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