For thousands of years philosophers have asked, “What is the best way to live?” when they should have been asking “What is the best way to achieve maximum caffeination?”
I love coffee.
I adore coffee.
I live on coffee.
I consider coffee my favorite coworker.
I gave up on blood and had a coffee transfusion.
Yes, I’m addicted. At least it’s an acceptable addiction.
My somewhat-theoretical steps to achieve caffeinated nirvana:
- Begin brewing Death Wish Coffee
- Shower using this body product (or similar):
- Wear clothing washed in caffeine-infused detergent. I’m certain I’m not the only one to have this idea, yet cannot find a product marketed as such
- Consume Death Wish Coffee
- Protect lips and other areas where chafing may occur with caffeine infused lip balm.
- Take additional caffeine products as necessary, like coffee-infused chocolate.
- DO NOT OVER CAFFEINATE!
I’ve been there. Headaches, dizziness, impaired judgment, and bloody noses.
On the plus side, that day was the first time I met my wife, so may be it wasn’t all bad.