Photography 101 has its challenges. Monday’s pop of color was no different.
I took another sunrise photo and thought that’d be it:
And then inspiration struck as I was cleaning out my supply cabinet and found a hoard of forgotten pencils – and just in time for standardized testing, too!
Stand Apart
by J.E.
People always say to be yourself until you do, then
you find that everybody lied to you: "Your hair is
too short, too long, too bright, too dark; your
music's too loud, too goth, too punk, too rock; your
art is too something; why can't you just be
normal like us? You're so fake, focused on the
external; fit back in the box in our monochrome
world where no one stands out, no sensitivities
curdled."
So we hide ourselves away behind a facade of what
passes for normal; believing we're flawed we put on
a show for the world to behold while the things that
make us us grow withered and cold. In a world that
sees in charcoal grey and midnight black we see in
bright neon hues and refuse to go back to the way
things were before. Choosing rather to wrestle our
innermost demons, we risk and dare all to be the
yellow pencil.
Personally, I like the first pencil photograph best; what do you think?
I can’t be the only one who has trouble getting into drawers.
No, not those drawers; get your mind out of the gutter!
I mean the junk drawers, the catch-all drawers, the drawers that are oh-so-handy for storing the miscellany and bric-a-brac that accumulates on our desks and nightstands and coffee tables.
Eventually these drawers have more in common with a goblin hoard than anything else and are almost impossible to open without violence or high-energy explosives. Perhaps both.
This is their story:
An Ode to Drawers
or
The Cabinet of Curiosity
They say that in days long gone by
kings bent on increasing their wealth and fame
would collect wonders of both land and sea
in rooms designed to awe the viewer’s eye -
to never again see the world the same:
the Cabinet of Curiosity.
These were the magical places -
a microcosmic theat’r of the world,
the original memory palace
in which to worship the world’s Three Graces.
It was in this landscape the mind unfurled
and dared to scale the heights of Daedalus.
These cabinets live on today,
found in the homes of all those who cannot
bear to part with one single, solit’ry
thing.
They are attuned to life’s great ballet,
thus will not bear a thing to be forgot -
exalting both unique and ordinary.
Declare, O Drawer, the wonders
you contain and the detritus of life -
the forgotten bits and misplaced baubles –
Proclaim, O Drawer, the mysteries and plunders
pigeonholed inside.
With valiant strife
I pry at you; your case strains and wobbles.
Finally gaining entry to the hold
of life’s forgotten treasures, I find there
long-lost remnants of a life lived fully.
While ‘tis a shame I find no hoarded gold,
I find loose change, pencils and pens to spare,
old batteries and papers stacked unruly,
Old Christmas cards and past-due bills,
strange locks and keys that do not fit each other,
notebooks and fliers and take-out menus,
postcards and letters – e’en one from Brazil –
family photos sent by my brother;
This drawer has no bottom, it always continues.
And though I might try to clean it
someday, I know it is useless to try.
No matter how much is removed from the
drawer - no matter how hard I commit
to decluttering life - I’ll be that guy
who saves everything, even debris.
I’ll be the first to admit that it gets hokey and off-rhythm, but don’t our drawers do the same? See what I did there? I’d claim it was intentional, but it wasn’t. And you know what? I don’t care. I had fun writing this piece; I hope you had as much fun reading it.
When I first heard I had to write a ballad, I thought What? I don’t know any ballads!
Then I stopped and thought for just a few minutes and realized that I love ballads:
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
American Pie by Don McLean
Homecoming by Green Day
Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
What’s Left of the Flag by Flogging Molly
However, the very first ballad I ever learned was The Ballad of Magellan:
The older I get, the more I remember learning from cartoons. Anyway, I used the same general rhyme scheme / syllable count so you can sing my ballad to the same tune – just note that in some cases you’ll have to stretch the syllable out or condense it. In addition, my ballad is slightly longer that the Animaniacs’ song, so you’ll run out of music before you run out of words.
But enough of that: Less Talk, More Rock Ballading! (And if that’s not a word, it is now!)
The Ballad of Frederick Barbarossa
1. There once lived a man,
named Fred'rick Barbarossa:
a Holy Roman Emperor
named for his red beard.
He was a weak king
who wanted more power;
He made a deal with the Pope
which wasn't that weird.
Chorus:
O what will you do,
Fred'rick Barbarossa?
Your people don't like you,
you're a figurehead.
O what will you do,
Fredrick' Barbarossa?
Some might prefer you
better off dead.
2. He invaded the states
of Italy & Sicily;
four times he attempted
to strengthen his hand.
He captured some relics,
made peace in the Rhineland,
and extended his power
all over the land.
Chorus:
O what are you doing,
Fred'rick Barbarossa?
Ignoring your people
is no way to help.
O what are you doing,
Fred'rick Barbarossa?
Try being a leader
not focused on self.
3. He tried to unite
the Germanic princes
who held onto their power
and great influence.
So he went back to fighting
the battles he could win -
I guess in some way
it does make some sense.
Chorus:
Well at least you tried,
Fred'rick Barbarossa -
It isn't your fault
if the princes won't heel.
Oh wait! It is!
Fred'rick Barbarossa,
You're seen as a fool,
tell me: how does it feel?
4. The Church then offered
a chance a redemption:
protect holy pilgrims
and offer them aid.
He went off to war
with two other kings named
Richard and Louis
in the Third Crusade.
Chorus:
To war! To war!
Fred'rick Barbarossa -
starting your journey
towards Jerusalem.
Crusade! Crusade!
Fred'rick Barbarossa -
soon you'll be fighting
the feared Saracen.
5. They came to a river -
they needed to cross it;
Barbarossa said
"I think I'll cross over here."
He fell off his horse
and into the river;
he sank to the bottom
in all of his gear.
Chorus:
Oh no! Oh no!
Fred'rick Barbarossa,
did you forget
you could not be touched?
Oh no! Oh no!
Fred'rick Barbarossa,
were you distracted
by the prospect of lunch?
6. Now you might have thought
"That's the end of Barbarossa!"
Well, you would be right,
but there's more to my song.
His men tried to preserve him
in a barrel of vinegar,
continuing their journey
they marched right along.
Chorus:
What ho! What ho!
Fred'rick Barbarossa,
Crusading on
though your spirit is gone.
This is really quite morbid,
Fred'rick Barbarossa -
you're starting to stink
in this hot summer sun.
7. His army deserted,
except for five thousand
who continued to Acre
with his son Frederick.
He was buried in Tyre,
Antioch, and Tarsus
instead of Jerusalem
as originally wished.
Chorus:
You will live on,
Fred'rick Barbarossa,
in stories and legends
of your Christian ways.
And although you were used
by those dastardly Nazis,
we'll remember you fondly
until end of days.
First, I am indebted to Mr. Matthew Desmond, whose article “The Seven Types Of Republicans And How To Debate Them” served as inspiration for this post.
OK, a bit more than inspiration – I outright copied him for most of this post. As I was reading his original article, I thought “Hey! All you have to do is replace ‘Republican’ with ‘Democrat,’ adjust the examples, and you’d have the same article from the opposite viewpoint!”
So, that’s what I did; I copied the entire article and made the proper adjustments to reflect a conservative viewpoint (as seen by an Independent).
Second, I intend this as an Onion-esque “report.”
Do Not Take This Seriously!
Third, for the sake of honesty, let me clarify my political position: I am an independent and think both major political parties need a time-out for several decades. Combine the two articles and you’ll understand what it’s like as an Independent ignored by both parties (except when convenient, of course).
Enjoy.
The Seven Types Of Democrats And How To Debate Them
Anyone discussing politics with a Democrat recognizes that there are a wide variety of Democrats, each possessing their own debating style. In this article, I attempt to break down the basic types of Democrats, the obvious flaws in their views, and how you can best debate them. I’ll start with the most intelligent and work my way down.
Educated Democrats are the rarest of all Democrats. Occasionally you find one in public or in an online forum. These Democrats can be the most difficult to deal with. They know everything there is to know about their position… from a Democratic perspective. They’ve educated themselves on all the reasons why their position is correct, and are not concerned with anything that contradicts their beliefs.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
Anyone with the Internet and five minutes can find something that thoroughly discredits their version of the “facts.” Even when confronted with contradictory facts, they continue to fall back on their original arguments; try to change the subject to something they are more comfortable talking about, or start expressing opinions with no factual merit.
What to remember when debating them:
Keep them on-topic. Don’t let them ignore your counterpoints and then change the subject on you. They’re masters of that, but if you can keep them on topic, eventually they will just start expressing opinions to which you can say “do you have any facts to back that up?”
Media Democrats are the angriest group of Democrats. They watch television and think it makes them an expert on politics. The only knowledge they have of politics are parroted talking points without any facts to back them up. When you defeat them in debate, they will resort to calling you names like “conservative,” “bigot,” “woman-hater”; “racist,” etc. They think all conservatives want to take their money and give it to big business, especially oil.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
They have no idea what they are talking about. Usually they’re just repeating things they’ve heard from Anderson Copper, Brian Williams, or Piers Morgan (a British national who has neither a stake in nor an understanding of American government). They think that all conservatives want to restrict their freedoms and clearly don’t know what the word “conservative” means, or what conservatives have contributed to our country and our freedoms. They think President Obama is comparable to Jesus (or his non-religious equivalent) for passing healthcare reform. They accuse you of watching FOX News if you don’t agree with them. They call you ignorant but expect you to blindly believe everything they tell you, without question.
What to remember when debating them:
Keep demanding facts from them to back up their assertions until they break down and call you any of the aforementioned names. Ask them to name specific freedoms that conservatives have taken from them. They have a tendency to record your conversations and take your words out of context, so be aware of recording equipment when debating them face to face.
Atheist (or non-religious/non-practicing) Democrats are hypocrites. They do everything in the name of humanity, while simultaneously acting as inhuman as possible. They deny basic rights, such as freedom of religion and the right to be born. They think guns are evil and would strip Americans of their right to self-expression . They claim the Bible depicts Christ as a liberal who was opposed to capitalism and violence while completely ignoring the fact that he never spoke in favor of any political ideology and advocated civil disobedience (c.f. Romans 13). They sincerely believe that Christianity had a negative (or zero) impact on America and think we should give up national sovereignty to the United Nations . They label everyone who doesn’t agree with them as “bigoted, ” “racist,” or “__________-phobic”. They cannot understand the difference between tolerance, acceptance, and love.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
They do terrible things in the name of science or humanity. They think that anyone who doesn’t agree with them hates them. They believe that America was never a Christian nation even though the Founding Fathers and the Documents of Freedom are heavily influenced by the Bible. The Founding Fathers wanted a country of religious freedom free from religious persecution, but these Democrats do their best to marginalize and politically persecute religion – especially fundamentalist Christianity.
What to remember when debating them:
There’s a list of quotes that show our Founding Fathers wanted a country influenced by religion. For those Democrats that claim to be Christian, ask them questions like “how would Jesus feel about killing babies?” or “how would Jesus feel about someone failing to protect their family?” For those that are non-religious, ask “if you REALLY think America isn’t the best country in the world, why don’t you live somewhere else?” or “If other countries are doing it better, why do they have the same problems we do – or worse?” Of course, these questions should yield a response that thoroughly proves that they are hypocrites, and continuing to argue with them would be a waste of time.
Occupy Democrats are a dumbed-down combination of the previous two groups of Democrats. They think Joe Biden is intelligent and it’s the media filter’s fault that he looks so stupid. They think Clinton was fiscally responsible even though he borrowed money to balance the budget. They watch CNN religiously, and think main-stream talking heads are credible. They don’t understand why people think they’re racist when they claim only whites are racist. They support the Affordable Health Care Act and higher taxes for the wealthy, even though government waste and inefficiency are at record levels. They fail to see how corporate tax breaks creates jobs.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
They parrot Brian Williams, Anderson Cooper, and Piers Morgan talking points. When you discredit one thing they say, they immediately move on to the next subject. Anyone who doesn’t agree with them is ignorant. They fail to see that their system of government mimics socialism. They think government can provide the answers to all of societal ills; they want no personal responsibility.
What to remember when debating them:
They have no idea what they’re talking about. Ask them to prove what they are saying. If you ask them a question and they respond with another question, refuse to answer their question until they answer yours. Don’t back down. Remind them that conservative fiscal policies were responsible for the economic booms of the past. If debating them in public, be careful because they are known to surreptitiously record conversations with intent to twist words, so be aware of any recording devices (including phones) when debating them in places like parks, bars and churches (if they deign to enter one).
Party Democrats think that Obama is an inclusive President despite all evidence to the contrary. They blame all of Obama’s failures on George W Bush. They are sore losers because Bush won the elections of 200 and 2004. They think that Obama won the 2012 election fairly and voter fraud is a myth, despite some districts reporting over 100% voter turnout without a single vote for Romney. They were anti-war when Bush was President; they have backed Obama’s foreign policy to the letter. They willfully ignore scandals such as Benghazi, the Fast and the Furious, the NSA, and the IRS. They will never support a conservative, even if he/she paid off the entire national debt and passed universal healthcare.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
They think Obama, Clinton, Kerry, and Biden are infallibly credible. They fail to see that Obama is one step away from socialism. They think increasing the national debt ceiling is fiscally responsible. They love pointing out flaws in the Republican camp while ignoring the scandal and division in their own tent.
What to remember when debating them:
Don’t waste your time. You could wave Benghazi security footage and NSA internal emails until the cows come home. They are blind to reality and will never be happy unless a Democrat is president. Have them read the Constitution or news accounts of guns saving lives. Show them how fiscal conservatism has helped grow America. This is the best way to get them to go away.
[DISCLAIMER: I am putting this one almost last for a reason. I do NOT think all Democrats are racists. I have Democratic friends who are not racist. This section is only about the small percentage of Democrats who are ACTUALLY racist, because they do exist. I’m not “playing the race card” or “race-baiting,” I’m just describing a small group of racists who also affiliate themselves with the Democratic Party]
Racist Democrats hate whites because they’re white. They think whites owe something to make up for past wrongs. They desire not equality, but an inequality where whites are marginalized. They think that all Christians are racist terrorists. They think anyone who is from the South or owns a gun is a racist. Anyone who disagrees with anyone who is not white is a racist.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
They only think whites are racist. They think racism only counts if it’s racism practiced by the political majority. Whenever they possibly can, they will call you a racist, to hide the fact that they are actually racists.
What to remember when debating them:
They’re racists. Racists are uneducated bigots. You would have a much easier time convincing an apple tree to start growing oranges.
Extremely Uneducated Democrats are Democrats because they think it’s cool. They have a Democratic friend in one of the other groups listed, so they think they know what they’re talking about. They have terrible spelling and grammar but they expect you to believe whatever they say because they are saying it to you.
The problem with this type of Democrat’s views:
It’s hard to tell if they ever made it past the 4th grade. Most of their posts are illegible. They don’t know anything about their position other than what they have heard their friends say. They think Democrats help society because they say that they do, and call anyone who doesn’t agree with them “heartless.” They ignore all historical information that is contradictory to what they say. They are 100 percent blind to facts.
What to remember when debating them:
No amount of facts or logic will ever convince them that their buddies are wrong. You could be a college professor and they will still think your facts aren’t credible. Instead of trying to argue with them, try explaining algebra to your dog. I’m sure it will be much more productive.
This bold act brings to mind a similar case of some years ago.
Perhaps you’ve heard of the Townshend Acts?
No?
Your education has been sadly neglected.
You must have heard of the Boston Tea Party, then?
Or – at the very least – played Assassin’s Creed: Revelations?
Let the known facts be made clear:
An American company making substandard chocolate experienced a few bad quarters.
Probably because they keep making bad pips.
OK, so chocolate humor isn’t my thing. I make no apologies.
Do they improve the product?
No! They eliminate the competition.
Strike that.
They eliminate the competition.
They convince the American government to eliminate the competition.
This seemed appropriate for reasons I just can’t put my finger on . . .
No more British chocolate!
Say no to disgustingly higher-quality ingredients!
Berate the atrociously short shelf-life!
Ignore the tremendously superior flavor!
‘Murica!
Oh, but we’re protecting Hershey, an iconic American business!
I imagine they said the same about the East India Company.
They, too, were “too big to fail,” and look what that got them . . .
Imagine the savings – you won’t be paying nearly as much!
Hmm . . . you think the colonists didn’t think of that?
The inhabitants . . . who but a few months ago were in ease and affluence, have now, no other alternative than to stay and starve, or turn and beg. Endangered by the fire of their friends if they continue within the city, and plundered by the soldiery if they leave it. In their present condition they are prisoners without the hope of redemption, and in general attack for their relief, they would be exposed to the fury of both armies.
~ Thomas Paine, Common Sense (1776)
Huh . . . seems they valued liberty over artificial savings.
Imagine that!
Does it really matter where your chocolate comes from as long as you get it?
Yes. Yes it does.
I am sick and tired of a government hell-bent on declaring what I can and cannot spend my money on.
You must by health insurance, even if you can’t afford it. If you don’t, we’ll fine you.
You may not buy British chocolate, even if you want to. Because we said so!
Why, hello there!
John Locke, meet John Locke:
The end of law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge freedom.
Where does the madness end?
What other countries will fall foul of America’s predilection for cheap, low-quality merchandise?
Look out, China!
You know what, I don’t even particularly care for British chocolate.
You know what I like:
But I’m not too naive to see the writing on the wall:
First Britain, then Germany.
Today: chocolate
Tomorrow: cookies
Not the lebkuchen . . .
It is time for the fair citizens of this land to rise up against the gastronomic tyranny being imposed upon us!
That is, if we can get off the couch to begin with . . .
Running In My Head 