Wind and cold combine,
Making water treacherous:
Clear and smooth as glass –
Betraying unwary feet –
Or pointed like an arrow.
A Song of Ice (No Fire)
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rantings & ramblings
Wind and cold combine,
Making water treacherous:
Clear and smooth as glass –
Betraying unwary feet –
Or pointed like an arrow.
Comments are closed.
Running In My Head 
I like this. As I read it out loud I almost breathed in the sharp cold. The last line – I’m not sure. Is it the word ‘pointed’ that you’re not happy with?
Anyway – a good poem, bringing clean winter air into my living room.
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I don’t like the last line at all. I want a juxtaposition between flat and sharp without simply saying “icicle,” which not only lacks imagery but also uses 3 of 7 available syllables.
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My mum wrote a poem about homeless people in London once. She spoke about the sharp,wind, and the physical pain she experienced at the sight of ‘cardbooard box city’. She used the words ‘Cuts me like a knife.’
I don’t know why that ran through my brain when I read your poem, or why I needed to tell you.
I think a hard C on the last line would round the poem off, but I’m no expert.
I like tanka.
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I like the line “Making water treacherous”
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Beauty has its’ hazards. Nice comparisons
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Your picture and poem about ice are alive to me. I had trouble walking on ice yesterday. The thing about “pointed” – I thought you were connecting your words with the picture of the bird’s beak. It’s a bit oblique but I like oblique references. ❤
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