I have no children, so questions of Santa’s existence rarely arise. When they do, I typically say, “Yes, Santa’s real – but he’s better known as Saint Nicholas and has been dead for almost 1,000 years.” I’m a hit at Christmas parties, I tell you what.

Now, Kystal has often said that if we ever have children she won’t discourage them from believing in Santa. Which is fine, so long as I can also encourage a healthy belief in Krampus (or Krampus-like substitute). For whatever reason, this does not earn me any brownie points with Krystal. sigh

So, in this spirit, if I were to, say, dress up as Krampus and come to your house to terrorize any would-be gift recipients, here’s my naughty/nice list. And remember: adults count, too. If Belsnickel visited the Office, Krampus can visit you.

Truth: I grew up in the Scranton area and knew more than one person almost exactly like Dwight Schrute. Eerie.




Books (beware: condensed books will negate the “nice” point)

Pets (and, because I can be rather arbitrary like Pratchett’s DEATH, I’m particularly fond of cats)

British comedies, particularly the Pythons and Fawlty Towers


Fountain pens


Comfy blankets





Cycling – stop thinking you can rule the road and ignore basic etiquette

Unsweet tea (I’m a converted Northerner)

Snakes, spiders and other creatures that should never under any circumstances be kept in the same house as human beings

Tacky wall “art”


Dirty dishes

Empty TP rolls

Uninformed decisions

Spreading fake news

Dissing history