This weekend I actually went out in public. I didn’t want to, but everyone wanted to be somewhere other than here. I saw people I knew, who asked me “how are you doing” – – all well-meaning, I’m sure.
And the fact is, I don’t know how I’m doing. I took off today and tomorrow from work. Obviously, since the funeral is tomorrow. I really should take off Wednesday, too, but there’s only so much time I’m willing for a substitute to take over my teaching.
Saturday I saw a friend and we talked for quite a bit. She told me I needed to find some time to grieve, but I can’t yet; not really. Everyone is taking it hard and looking to me to stay strong because I can compartmentalize my emotions. I don’t think they realize what this means for me and does to me. I want to weep but I can’t because if I do, then everyone else is sure to lose it. They’ve said as much. I wait until everyone is asleep and tell myself that now it’s OK to get it all out, but after hours upon hours of stifling it, all I get is a worse headache.
Someone mentioned therapy, or maybe I dreamed it. I don’t need therapy. I don’t think so, anyway. I just miss my friend.
I’m planning the book I can now write, now that this has happened. He made me promise him I’d wait, you see. I’ve plotted four sections and know what I want to do. We’ll see what comes of it. I don’t care if anyone buys it; I just want one copy so that he isn’t forgotten.
Today I’m finishing the memorial dvd; work is letting me borrow a portable screen. I’m going to wait until lunchtime so I don’t have to see anyone.
Yesterday the director said they’d confirmed an honor guard but weren’t sure about the firing detail. Seriously? A 98-year old veteran, a survivor of both Pearl Harbor and D-Day, and the Navy can’t guarantee a firing detail? He was a simple man who lived a simple if extraordinary life and always refused any fuss. This is the only thing we can ever remember him asking specifically for himself. If it doesn’t happen . . .
I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s not as if there’s anything anyone can do about it.
But while I didn’t want to talk on Saturday, it feels good to get it out today.
Thanks for listening.
Will you be there tomorrow, at least in spirit? Please.