Monday Morning Grievance: Limp Bacon

It’s Monday and I haven’t had my coffee.

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Limp bacon is disgusting, hardly worthy of even being called bacon. I’d even prefer the pseudo-bacon of “Canadian Bacon” over a piece of flabby, flaccidly limp bacon. Bacon is meant to be fried, along with eggs, chicken, green tomatoes, potatoes, and Twinkies. None of these should be soggy post-fry; indeed, they should be nice and crispy – and bacon is no exception. When bacon is not crisp and crunchy, one has the culinary experience of chewing on a piece of warm fat. Maybe that’s your thing, and that’s OK – but don’t you ever dare call that monstrosity bacon. Such things will never be bacon and I question your sanity if you find eating unadulterated fat appealing. Look, I know fat is a necessary ingredient, but when’s the last time you ate a spoonful of lard just because you wanted to? If you have done that recently – first, don’t answer the question and second, gross. Anyway, bacon makes almost everything taste better, but limp bacon destroys lives. So get out our pan, invest in a bacon press, and fry it good. Remember:

Friends Don’t Let Friends Eat Limp Bacon



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One thought on “Monday Morning Grievance: Limp Bacon

  1. Morning Jay! Mondays are hard enough without having your breakfast ruined (cold coffee, limp bacon, burned toast, etc.) It sounds like you might need to hire a personal chef. In fact, I don’t know why you didn’t think of this yourself! Everyone knows that writers moonlighting as Social Studies teachers make TONS of money. Then once your food woes are taken care of, you can concentrate on other grievances like global warming and head lice. Hope this helps! (And if not I hope at least it made you laugh!)

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